By Dr. Bernie Zilbergeld

Concern with Performance

Men are concerned with sexual performance.

It makes sense that those who see sex as a performance should worry about not being able to perform adequately. This is not to say that women don't also have sexual worries. They do. But women have a different perspective than men. They tend not to see sex as primarily a performance, despite the pressure for them to perform in certain ways, to lubricate and have orgasms, and they have fail-safes -- artificial lubricant, the ability to have intercourse even when not aroused, and the ability to fake orgasms -- that most men don't.

By and large, men don't have any fail-safes. The lack of erection is obvious, as is quick ejaculation. Given who men are and what they learn, it's not surprising they are greatly concerned about performance and greatly distressed by the lack of it.

It can help men to realize that most women are less concerned about a man's performance than they are to his reaction to it and to her. Women are more likely to get upset about the man's negative reaction to a performance problem (anger, guilt, constant apologies, withdrawal) than to the problem itself.

Next - Variety for Variety's Sake

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